I am what I am

I am what I am
With my goodness,
With my badness
Accept me as I am

I can’t keep on changing,
Every 2 steps that I walk
Surely not for the people
Backless with no spine

No skin no shin,
Full of mire & grime
Slimy bodies
Soot filled hearts

They say to me all rot
Tell me things that I am not
Don’t they understand?
To them I don’t belong

I don’t explode at their outburst
Their condition is worse than the worst
I hush it all, beneath my feet
Simply frowning in retreat

The only mould that can cast me into form
Is the mould of love
Love with no bounds
Love as mad as the hounds

The mould is cast
Forging me into form
Now I am tensile & ductile
The mould of love giving me a form

Let the mould
Cast its spell
The spell & its charm
Making me transform

Love me the way I am
Love me for what I am

Feel of the Instant

The feelings will come
The feelings will go
Try to be happy
Coz you never know

Life is so short
Things to do a lot
So keep your cool
& you worry not

Don’t look to the top,
When you are only half way around
Just keep in your mind
Where you want to ground (reach)

Don’t see others else you may be sad
For them it was easy, for you it maybe hard
The way to glory
Is no cozy story

Some sail with the wind
& go astray
Some swim against it
To get to the bay

Why are you gloomy?
Why are you sad?
Why the cribbing?
Why are you going mad?

Remember the first day u fell in school
You weeping the same way now, you dumb fool
That day you got up, all by yourself
Without any patronage or any help

Hold on hang on,
That’s all I say
Things will fall in place,
Some day some way

The feelings will come
The feelings will go
Now you be happy
Ohh!! my good friend

Tree of Desire (Kalpa-Vriksha)

Desire is the fuel, the stimulus that drives us humans. Desire & emotional intelligence is the one thing that separates us from the flora & fauna in this world. Animals too have desires, still a debatable topic. But we humans have desires + animal instincts. It is these animal instincts that drive men into crimes & shadowy things. Desires crop out of the five sense that we have. Vision, Hearing, Touch, Taste & Smell. If humans didn’t have the senses & intelligence (mental as well as emotional), we would be no better than dead as dodo androids.

There is a lot that this whole world offers. With such a hostile inviting environment, there is nothing wrong in craving & desiring. In fact this whole is like a Kalpa-Vriksha (The Wish Fulfilling Tree), which can fulfill all our desires. Whether it is the fruits, flowers, shade, oxygen or its own bark, & pulp. Mythology also has reference to the “Kalpa Vriksha”, tree that is the fulfiller of all desires. Even the Australopithecus with no intelligence at all desired to be strongest & the explicit species. Otherwise how can one explain the invention of wheel, fire or the usage of metals to make weapons for hunting? It all came from the desire or one of the instincts.

The tornado of desires keeps us battling & fighting for the things that we want truly, madly, & deeply. Desires from the core of every man’s heart, buried deep inside. Not to be seen, not to be shown, jut known to the person. Everyone right from the kids to the old have desires. Kids desire to be sporty, pampered & adored all the time. They throw tantrums when they don’t get their dose of chocolates or the toys. Don’t they hold you up for a ransom, when they have to do their homework? “Give me a chocolate, and then I will do my homework”. This all comes from desire, & a way to fulfill your desires. Adolescents have the desire to have sex, date the best girl in the batch, to live on the edge, achieve the impossible. Adults have the desire to have a cool, cozy & comfortable life. Others are driven by other desires both on the sane plane, & insane plane. Old people don’t have so much strong a desire. Except for their desire of, getting love, respect & caring from the younger lot. All in all, they all they all have this insatiable desire to be important, to be popular & to be the one with the golden spoon in their mouth. They all want to carve a niche in this world. So, desire, desire, desire, humans.

Desires can be good or bad, real or bogus, strong or laid off. Varies from person to person, depending on what desires are being tamed & cultivated in the deep confines of the heart. Desire it, Achieve it. The desires are predominant, in the people who use a lot of “I want”. This is inferential that, they desire or want many a things from life. They may just crave & desire at all times, not really converting their desires in virtual space, to realities in the materialistic space. Desires when strong have a lot of power that can help us achieve our goals & targets. Goals in the shorter span & targets in the longer span of time space.

Desires without action, are just futile dreams, bound to crash onto ground, & only create rubble. Actions without desires also tend to go haywire. Desires drive us further, propel us, and direct us to the sought out, & the wanted things. Desires help us attain the unachievable, unknown & the impossible. So hold out your hands to the “Kalpa-Vriksha” & let your desires be fulfilled by it. Desire it, Do it, Achieve it.

Till death do us apart

As a kid Arun was very naughty & a menace for the people in and around the society. Arun & I stayed in the same society, studied in the same class in the same school. Having him around had its fair share of advantages & disadvantages. We walked to & fro from school together, like good pals. Yet he would steal my stuff from by pencil box. My pencil, rubber & even my scale wasn’t spared. One day, in sixth standard, during the games period, he took out my lunch box & ate it all, even without a burp. It was not that, he was famished, but another prank to bully at free will. He didn’t stop there. He stuffed the tiffin with grass, & stones. During recess when I opened the tiffin, all the boys who were waiting to see my expressions, started giggling. Expert comments began pouring in “See Neha’s Mom doesn’t love her, she feeds her grass, & stones”, “No Doubt why she is so dumb”, “Is she not her real mother”, “Step Mom’s packed Tiffin”. Being sensitive kinds, I could not bear the humiliation. Yes, I could not bear the brunt of the taunts, & tears started rolling down my cheeks. It was effortless, the hydraulic flow. They say it can even move mountains. I was hurt with the taunts & it pained my heart. It felt as if someone punctured my heart with an arrow.

My emotions were evident. I didn’t revolt, or shout. I was calm & poised except for the tears, making me look like a loser. Arun came over, hushing the boys, & offered me his handkerchief. He said softly "Sorry". I looked up at him, he looked really apologetic with a gloomy face. Smile that was there on his face a while ago had vanished in thin air. I always considered him a good friend, & I least expected him to do this with me. We were still pals thereon, not the best ones though. We had our share of fighting’s & leg pulling. But, he was always watching over my shoulder. When something went out of control, he would come to my rescue, either directly or indirectly. This friendliness was more in actions, than the words.

In ninth standard, his focus had diverged, from studies to sports. Even though I was an above average kid, in studies, but by any means far better than Arun. We, being in the same class, & I being better than Arun in studies made matter worse for him. He would get his dose of scolding & yelling from his parents, always comparing me with him as far as studies went. They would say “See Neha she just fetched 85% marks in the exams, why don’t you study with her, & take help from her… blah blah blah”. Therefore I had become the official bench mark for him. Parents in India usually compare their kids with other’s kids, preaching them, scolding them, or guiding them. No matter what the way, they pressurize the kid to excel & perform better than their counterparts. But that preaching & yelling rarely impacts the children. Even though I was the official yardstick for him, but least did he pay heed to what was spoken.

While in tenth standard, a little bit of maturity & sanity prevailed in Arun, & he started to take his studies seriously. For him serious study was to sit back with the book for not more than an hour. Studying beyond one hour was like overworking your engine, with no fuel left in the tank. He would say that the engine (brain) is over heated & that it would explode. This wasn't going to help him much, & he decided that the easier way out was to do combined study with me. That way he could extract from me the net knowledge, assimilate what all he wanted & could assimilate, & discard the roughage. He was smart at people skills & knew exactly how to take people in his confidence. No doubt he was the most popular guy of our batch. I agreed to the combined studies with him. It helped me to understand the textbooks better, while I would explain it to him. Also it led to my revision. We would begin the studies on a serious note & wind up in a hilarious & sometimes riotous mode. In the process we became very good pals at school as well as in the society. Completely confiding in each other, protective & possessive towards each other. The next 2 years continued like this with our share of fun, frolic, & friendliness. I scored better than him, but his scores had improved a lot. All credit to me, even though he would never admit that. My parents used to nudge me, "Neha combined studies are affecting your performance, & draining you out". But it never was the case really. Combined studies had now become a way of life for me, & what made it more exciting was that, it was with Arun. They say it is not the journey that matters, it’s the company that matters. I had a good company for keeps.

In tandem to the board exam preparations, it was high time to look ahead, & start planning to undertake a professional course after the twelfth standard. Arun as usual had no focus of what he wanted. But yeah, as a kid he always wanted to be a truck driver. He told me once that the trucks are so gigantic & so super, & that only super man or a super hero can drive them. I really don’t know if he still tamed that weird ambition. So I confronted him with this question one day, as to what he is going to do after school. To this he said “Engineering or Medicine isn’t my cup of tea, I will try my hands at being an Air Force Pilot”. I thought that he was overtly being too ambitious, & roared in laughter. He hadn't expected me to behave the same way his parents would behave. He felt very inferior, insignificant & worthless. I sensed the changing color, & muted. He was clearly fed up with people misunderstanding & under estimating him all the time. His parents, relatives, & now me. I couldn’t think of anything at that moment, but I wanted to apologize. I couldn't sum up enough courage to say anything but opened my arms to him, & letting him slide into my arms. He looked on for a moment & finally slid in my arms. The hug had comforted him. He held me back. The hold was warm & compassionate, but friendly at the same time. I whispered in his ears “Sorry Arun”. He just whispered back “Don’t say anything”. We wound up for the day & he left for his home. He didn't attend school for the next three days, nor did I see him anywhere in the society.

After three days I was there at his apartment, knocking at the door. His mother opened the door, & I enquired about Arun's welfare. She directed me to his room, & there he was lying in the stock pile of books on Aptitude & General Knowledge. He said slowly “Air Force is going to recruit, & I am filling up the form. I am going to be a fighter pilot”. His parents were completely unawares of this next move. Being the only kid, he knew he would never be allowed to join the forces, & that there will be lot of hue & cry over this. I confided in him, & encouraged him to give his best shot to it. He was overwhelmed, seeing the compassion in my eyes. He paused for a while & said, “Neha I Love you, I can’t imagine living without you”. The three magical words felt like honey in my ears, my heart skipped a beat, it felt as if the whole universe was revolving around me. It was the happiest day of my life. I ran out of words, perplexed & happy at the same moment. It was like a tempest, where you swing up like skyrocket, & then come down with a thud. I couldn’t say anything. He said “Neha take your time, if you don’t feel for me that way, I will accept the hard fact”. I wanting to shout out loud in jubilation blurted out “Arun I don’t have feelings for you, what are you saying??? Arun I think of you all the time. You are always on my mind than anything else in the entire universe. I love you Arun”. Things were a little different from there, the causal friendship had now become intimate friendship. We shared the study assignments, lunch, the bench in school, confidential stuff, & all the good things. We had our fair share of happiness’s, triumphs, & low times.

Entrance exams pressure & the twelfth standard exams had begun to take a toll on both of us. Arun was preparing to join the Armed Forces & had filled the form. He was fit physically, with a tensile strength unmatched to anyone in his school. He knew in the heart of his heart that he was going to make it. Neha’s support had only strengthened that faith. I was preparing too, for the medical entrance. Finally Arun cracked the Armed Forces entrance. It took him more effort to convince his parents, than it took to crack the Armed Forces exams. With a heavy heart they gave a go ahead to him. In the mean time I also got admission for the MBBS course in one of the reputed colleges in Delhi. I was elated at getting into a field of my choice & that too in my hometown. Arun had to join the National Defense Academy & be inducted for the Air Force Training at one of the Training Stations in India. We both had to tread different paths now, but we vowed to keep in touch on regular basis. We had become a part & parcel for each other, but with his stringent military training, Arun wasn't able to keep up the vows. Life went on like this, some vows were met some broken. New vows made. The communication barrier was getting deeper & deeper, with Arun’s demanding training & my burdening MBBS studies & the practicals. But we still loved each other, beyond egos, beyond demands, beyond selfishness. Not a day went when I didn't think of him, or miss him.

Time flew by & Arun passed out as a Fighter Pilot from the Academy. It was a day of jubilation & celebration. He had applied for a leave of 1 month, before he could be commissioned with one of the troops & be allotted his place of reporting. Finally we were together again. The old times, joys, unsaid words they were all coming to the forefront. I bunked my classes just to be with him, all the time. So much was to be said, & time seemed to just fly by. His presence made me feel complete, filling all voids in me. I felt on Cloud #9. I felt so secure & so happy with him.

During that 1 Month, the tension between India & its neighboring archrivals Pakistan & China had mounted to unsurpassable levels. Both the sides were treading on a thread that would break loose anytime. The borders had become a complete battle zone. Militarization of the no man’s land had begun. All the defense personnel were ordered to report back to their bases. Arun also received his orders to report at the Neoma Air base in Ladakh. The war on the border had caught momentum, due to the infiltration into the Indian side, by Pakistan from North West side & Chinese Militia from the North East. The situation along the Pakistan border was under control, but India was losing to the Chinese Militia on the north East side. The weather was rough, & the terrain even rougher. Arun knew that the return may never be. But during his 3 last days of stay with his parents, he didn't even sigh about it. I could sense that something was bothering him. I asked him, but he hushed it under wraps.

I was accompanying him to the airport, from where he was to catch the military plane to Srinagar, Kashmir. He was his usual self, all the way to the airport. He made sure that I carried good memories back home. He bid bye to me & I hugged him so hard, so as never to let him go. His eyes became damp. I pestered him to tell me, what was bothering him. He held my hand & said “Neha there have been heavy casualties in the Indian Air Force. Air Force is losing out because of the strategic positioning, advanced artillery & anti aircraft missiles of the Chinese. They are wreaking havoc. Neha I don’t want to say it, but there seems to be no return for me”. Neha was dumbstruck, & paralyzed, knowing not what to say. Going to the war front meant, making a death wish that would get granted too. She was helpless & in pain. She couldn’t move a part. He left my hand, & said “Neha I want you to know, that no matter what happens, I will always love you.............”. After a pause he said “Till death do us apart”, & he went out of her sight.

Lemonade

He was panting & sweating heavily, as if about to collapse. But he was feeling elated, happy & rejuvenated even after running the stretch of 40kms. His pain & the lactic acid could not overcome the happiness & the adrenalin rush he was feeling. He felt a slight pain in his left ankle & the right knee. Who won’t after running continuously for 40kms non stop? It took him 4 hours & 20 minutes to complete the entire stretch. A feat that would never have been possible, without the life saving, zingy & zealous Lemonade. The blood in his body now gushing through the veins at double the speed. Normally it is 300km/hour, but now it was at 600km/hour. The onlookers were cheering him & the other runners who had completed the entire stretch of 40kms.

The race was part of the charity for the thalassemic patients in India, who relied heavily on blood transfusions for a fresh supply of red blood cells (or the hemoglobin). Thalassemic patients have improper synthesis of the hemoglobin molecules, in turn causing anemia. The marathon was a noble cause to spread the awareness about the people who live with this disease, & yet lead a normal life. For whom blood supply is as quintessential as water supply is to any living thing, Arun was more so elated that he was able to sell 50 tickets of the race, to his friends, co workers. He had raised a handsome 25,000 rupees, along with his donation of 10,000. In a few moments from now he was about to receive the appreciation from the State health minister, who had inaugurated the run & had been kind enough to serve the runners during the race, being a renowned doctor himself.

But everything didn’t seem to be normal at the beginning. After running 5kms Arun was feeling exhausted. He felt that he had reached the threshold, his lungs about to explode, accompanied with his heavy breathing. His t-shirt was all wet, because of the sweat. He wanted to just hold the side bar of the road & lie down on his back, so that he could gain enough energy to get up at least to see another day. He realized that not having participated in any of the sports activities for the last 3 years, had made his body rusty, fragile & ductile. His physical endurance had reduced drastically. More than that, it was his mind that had gone numb, letting him go into a complete seizure. Blame it on his work commitments in a big software conglomerate that he had joined 3 years back. The work left him with little time & choice for his childhood love. Sports!!

He sat down partially, bending on his knees, & trying to gasp some air, amidst the runners who were passing him by. Some had iPods plugged in their ears while others were just focusing forward. Everyone wanting hard to cross the next milestone. They looked all the same, running towards a common goal, with a lot of gleam in their eyes. At the instant Arun felt so weak & bleak, & his mind told him to quit. He thought that, maybe he was not fit enough to complete the race, & that he should give up & make way for the other runners, who were overtaking him. He started walking to the nearest booth, with a lot of disappointment, & his heart aching even more. He was at the first land mark booth at 5kms, & waiting for his turn for some refreshment drinks & a fresh lease of life. He decided to quit after having the refreshment drink.

As he reached the counter, a fit looking boy about 15 years, was serving the lemonade drinks, & Arun asked him, “Hey why are you not running”. On hearing this, the boy said, “I am a Thalassemiac & can’t run, but I would love to some day, & that day I will beat them all”. Hearing this Arun was taken aback & felt sorry for the kid. The kid offered Arun lemonade that went down his throat partially splashing it on his t-shirt. He asked for one more glass of lemonade, & gulped that too, as if he had been thirsty for ages. While gutting the drinks, his eyes were constantly watching the boy offering drinks to the runners. Arun felt a chill run down his spine, & new wind brushing his air. His energy level & motivation soaring. He choked & blocked all the pain in his legs, & said to himself “Come on Arun you have to do this, not for yourself, but for this boy”. He bid bye to the boy & thanked him with great compassion. He jet set his feet on the track.

Arun did not stop for the next 10kms & kept on running, sometimes jogging slowly, sometimes sprinting & sometimes running, adjusting his pace. His pain had vanished or just that he had found a way to overcome the pain. Pain was now his companion not choking his mind & thoughts. If he felt some pain, he found out the means of overcoming the pain, by thinking of that thelassiamic boy who wanted to run but couldn’t. After all, only pain can overcome pain. The next refreshment booth that he stopped at, he met another boy whose name was Vikas. Vikas too was engrossed heavily in offering the Lemonade to the runners with great fervor. Arun was gazing at him, & the boy thought maybe he needed a spray or first aid. Vikas asked Arun promptly as to what he wanted. To this Arun Said, “Give me Lemonade with a pinch of your passion added to it”. This made the boy giggle. Vikas made actions of sprinkling something into the glass of lemonade, supposedly his passion & energy. Arun tossed it down his throat fast & thanked the boy. The boy was even more smiles now, & so was Arun.

Arun had got his kicks. Now no distance seemed far or no road seemed tough to trudge. He had pushed himself to the extreme, & that too with a light heart. He had made up his mind to finish the race no matter what may come. The Ambulances were standing by, but they weren’t going to be his chariot today. He was only going to ride the chariot of victory & triumph today. It was his victory over his inhibitions, pain & negative thoughts. The Ambulances however were rescuing people who were in dire straits, because of not following a good exercising regimen, bad working habits & to add to that, bad eating habits. Arun was sometimes looking at the ground seeing the road, as if the whole road had become his treadmill, just passing him by. Sometimes he just gazed at his fellow runners, & motivated them to keep up, by shouting “Come on Buck up”!! or “Run Boy Run”!! “Run for your heart”!! Others acknowledged his energy & effervescent calls by nodding their head in complete acceptance.

Soon Arun passed the land marks at 30kms, 35kms & 40kms. At each booth he had lemonade sprinkled with lots of energy, gusto & motivation. The lemonade had a personal touch to it. It gave him a new toss & a new zeal to fight the battle & live to the extreme. He was happy to cross the line at 40kms with just a few runners. Arun thanked the Lord, the Lemonade & the Thalassemic boys who gave him the strength to achieve what he earlier thought was unachievable. Arun had just felt the extra ordinary Lemonade had given him a fresh lease of life. Life full of zing, just like lemonade.

I love Odds, Cos they maketh me stronger

Success
Has no Address
Has no limit
Has no call
It is always 1 leap ahead
But the path is tough one

Many will take the elevator
But I will take the stairs
Many will get there faster
But I will get there stronger

Adversity will be my riding companion
To maketh me work
& passeth me through
Alas!! I will strike the goal

Insults, taunts & abuses
Gathered on the way
I’ll scatter to the birds
Because it was not of my consideration
It will make me feel lighter
From outside & deep within

My blood, sweat & tears
Sleepless nights & countless thoughts
& well wishes
Will share the joy

When I get there
I will be feel happier & contended
For then
There will be no more odds to conquer

Odds that made me succeed
& reach there stronger

That will be the day
To pray to God
To grant me strength
To withstand the burying force of guilt consciousness
To forgive me for the sins
That I may have committed

I love odds
Cos they maketh me stronger

(Source : Anon)

Mother's Heart Cried

Mother’s love for her kids is unconditional, selfless, boundless, strong & with no expectations what so ever. There must only be an exceptional mother who would not love her children.

As a kid I was nasty, mad & uncontrollable animal. Anyone would get goose bumps seeing my acts of brutality. This would pain her a lot. Then she would hold me back like her cub & pacify me by narrating this folklore to me.

There was a kid, who was very bad. Not only was he bad, he was raunchy, spoilt, arrogant, & ill behaved. He had got into bad habits of smoking, drinking, & gambling. He was small but big spoilt enough to be a sore on the face of the society. He would get into fights, learned rotten language, with nobody to control him, as his father had deserted them, even before his birth.

The poor lady would try to mend his ways, by locking him inside the home, praying to god that he give him sense, but all in vain. She was distressed, sad, but helpless. She would work from dawn to dusk so as to feed herself & her son. The lady was fed up with life, & would have ended her life, but for her son, she was treading this tough life. Life was tough & the miseries only multiplied by the consistent complaints of the people.

One day the kid was gambling with the goons of the locality. He was trading with marbles. He had put all his marbles at stake, & was losing them slowly. Soon he was completely broke, having lost all the marbles, but wanted to play more. He asked the goons to lend him some money, so that he could play further. They lend him some money to buy a dozen marbles. But on the pre condition that he offer something as collateral. He had nothing to offer, & couldn’t think of anything to put at stake. Sensing his dilemma, one of the goons told him that he can keep his Mother’s heart as collateral. He thought for a moment, & gave in to their demand.

They started the play, & he lost once again. The goons were making fun of him, laughing at him& aggravating his temper & distress. They told him to bring his mother’s heart to them before the fall of the dawn, failing which they would cut him into pieces, & offer his chopped body to stray dogs. Ashamed, angry & humiliated he left looking for his mother.

He was scared, panting & fearful of what would come of him, if his mother refused. His eyes were red, wanting to taste blood. He was fiery & had lost his nerve. On seeing the lad like this, the mother got scared, & asked what the matter was. He asked his mom to swear by him, that she will give him, whatever he asks for her. Mother did the ditto. He explained everything. On listening to this he said, mother I want your heart. The mom was taken aback. But she had sworn by him, to give him anything that he asks. She took the knife nearby, & stuck it in her chest, slowly boring a hole in her heart. She withered in pain, blood oozing out of her chest. She cried & smiled at the same time, seeing her son. She was not able to gasp her breath, turned pale, & was about to breath her last. She told her son “No matter what you do to me, I will always keep on living for you”. She instructed him, to pluck the heart from her chest. She was lifeless, choked, & numb.

The boy extended his hand, & slipped it in his mother’s chest & plucked the throbbing part out. Without even looking back at her mother lying in the blood pool he turned back & started running. He kept running faster, harder & harder. Suddenly he hit a stone on the road, & fell down, his face banging the ground with a thud. He was blinded for a moment, & the mother’s heart fell some distance from him. From it came a sound “Beta chot to nahin lagi” (Son did you get injured?). The heart start to rant in pain, even more than when it was being plucked from the body. The heart cried more now……………